Saturday, January 24, 2009

This is what it means to be held...

Zach and I--on the chairlift at Bear Mountain this past Thursday. A much needed day of fun--snowboarding(Zach) and skiing (me).

This is what it means,

to be held,

when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive...

Taken from the song "Held" by Natalie Grant

These words are from a song Ashleigh shared with me one day, the week before Christmas. If you have a moment, click on the link and listen to the song. I have truly found what it means to be held in the loving arms of my Jesus--when the sacred has been torn from my life.

Before I get into this post--one that I have written in my head at least 20 times, but just could not seem to get past the tears to write it--let me just say thank you to each of you who have called, sent cards and emails of concern and prayers for our family. Your prayers are appreciated and so very needed right now. Please don't stop praying for us.

If you've not been to Ashleigh's blog yet, it's up and running again. I'd like to say it was some fluke that happened and it would almost seem that way. But with the Lord there are no "flukes" and in this case, the timing of her blog becoming inaccessible, even to her--was no fluke. God knew that she wouldn't be able to write, so He took her blog out of commission for a time.

But now back to the absence from my blog.

First I want to say that I believe God is good. Always. I've said it many times here on my blog, during various trials I've faced, and even in this, the most difficult fight of my life--I believe it. I actually believe it now, more than ever. Jesus was the same before any of this happened, He was the same the day it happened and He is the same tomorrow. People may disappoint, circumstances may change--but Jesus? Never.

And what is the fight that I am facing? I'm going to be very careful with the details and not give more than what relates to the basic reality of my life right now: I am fighting for my marriage. At this point, Zach and I are alone--and not by our choice.

I'm sorry to those of you who know us personally and are just now hearing this for the first time. Besides the pain this has caused my children, myself and our families--seeing the shock and pain on the faces of our friends or hearing it in their voices--has been one of the most difficult aspects of this trial. I wish I could just hug each one of you. I truly do.

I prayed and discussed with my family whether to continue my blog--and we all agreed it would be good, since it is an outlet for me. I know that I've been so encouraged by my friends in the bloggy world and my prayer is that the Lord would use my corner of that world to bring encouragement to someone else.

However, I do want to be respectful of my husband and my constant prayer is that God would work in a mighty and miraculous way to bring restoration to our marriage and family. You won't find the details of what brought this sudden and unexpected circumstance about, on my blog. You won't find me bashing or blaming here either. Instead, you'll find a broken-hearted and humbled woman--getting through each moment, of each day--by God's more-than-sufficient grace. It's been seven weeks and I'm amazed I'm still alive and breathing. I didn't think I'd make it through the first day, let alone be here now. I truly felt like I wanted to just curl up and die, the pain was (and is) so great.

But this is the beautiful and wonderful thing about the God I love--my Jesus. His Word is true and alive. He is near to the broken-hearted. The Lord has put a net of love around our family--and this is truly what it means to be held by the loving arms of God. He has put people in our lives to pray, to call, to write, to cook, to do fun things with Zach. I've had dear ones come and stay the night with me, hold me while I literally cried myself to sleep, run my house, remind me to eat, call daily (and who still love me even if I don't call back), give hugs and so much more. Whatever we've needed, God has provided--in abundance. My own children (including John), while hurting so deeply themselves, have been a HUGE source of comfort to me.

And to keep it real--something I think is especially important--I want to make it clear I have not been perfect and always trusting through this. I've acted in anger and done some stupid stuff. I've reacted at times, rather than relying on the Lord. I've been impatient and desperate for this to be over and tried to do things on my own, rather than waiting on the Lord. I've failed. In a lot of ways--before this started and during the past seven weeks.

I also don't want to lay the blame in one place. While I know and understand that each of us needs to take responsibility for our own choices--I see very clearly now, my part in this. And I am thankful the Lord is dealing with me regarding these issues. As I've told my kids: I'm flat on the ground, broken, bleeding, exposed and very humbled. I have no where else to go, but to the Lord and allow Him to pick me up, to heal me and put my life back together--and I have no idea what that will look like at this point. My prayer is that the healing would take place not only personally, but in my marriage as well. Whatever it takes--I'm willing.

So this is what it means to be held, when the sacred is torn from your life--and you survive. We are surviving. We are making it. We are growing closer as a family--all of us--our immediate family and extended family. We are joining together and praying for healing and restoration. For hearts to be turned toward the Lord. And for a miracle. We are praying for a miracle.

Please, please be praying for us--for our family--and especially for my husband. Thank you so much...

Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,
Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen

Ephesians 3:20-21

With much love,