Thursday, April 30, 2009

Blessings of love...

A few weeks ago my sister-in-love, Sheri (aka my Sissy), called and asked what I was doing. I told her I was getting ready to take a bath.

I was home alone and decided to light some candles and relax in the tub with a book--something I hadn't done in a LONG time. The only problem was I didn't have any bubble bath, so I told Sheri I was using Troy and Merritt's Cucumber Melon baby wash for bubble bath and it was working pretty good.

Well, the other day my Sissy stopped by my house with this sweet surprise. It was a basket filled with goodies from Bath and Body Works--all things for making a soak in the tub that much more relaxing. There was even a rubber duckie! : )

But most importantly, there was a beautiful hand-made card with the verse from Matthew 11:28:

"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."

Sheri had no idea that I had had a very hard and emotional morning, dealing with attorney's and others. She had no idea just how weary I was feeling at that moment. She had no idea how much I needed to be reminded of Who I can go to when I feel like I cannot take another step...or make another decision.

But the Lord knew. He knew.

So thank you, my Sissy (and Tiffy, my sweet niece who was in on this blessing), for your gift of love.

And thank you to those of you who still pray for me, for my children...for Rande. I cannot tell you how much your prayers mean to me. I am sorry I haven't responded to all your emails as I should, but I do appreciate them. It's just very hard right now.

God is faithful and His grace is sufficient, this I know. While the outcome of my situation is looking to be far different than anything I could have ever imagined for my life, for my children and my grandchildren, I am completely trusting my Jesus to see me and my family through. I have to or I will crumble.

Thanking the Lord for all of you....

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Finding my way

"The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps." Proverbs 16:9

“To get through the hardest journey we need take only one step at a time, but we must keep on stepping.” Chinese proverb

Resurrection Sunday. Easter. The day we as Christians celebrate the glorious risen Lord--our Savior, Jesus Christ.

Normally this day would be a flurry of activity for me. Sunrise service at church, the Deacon's Breakfast and the presentation of the choir's Easter cantata in the morning service.

The afternoon would be spent with family and/or friends (depending on whether Rande was working at the fire station or not)--eating ham, stuffed eggs, scalloped potatoes--and all sorts of other good eats that are essential for Easter dinner.

There may or may not be an egg hunt--with Ashleigh having the honors of presenting the Gospel to the little ones hunting for plastic colored eggs stuffed with candy and symbols to help them better understand the reason we celebrate this special day.

But that is how our family used to celebrate Easter.

This morning I find myself, not at church as planned, but sitting in my comfy chair in my bedroom...Bible in hand, heart turned toward my Jesus...asking how? Why? What next?

There is just so much that does not make sense to my finite mind.

From the huge things like how in the world did my life take this turn? How did I get this place? Why did my husband forsake everything and leave his entire life behind?

To the little why did I accidentally hit a button on my computer this morning, deleting a long email to a searching friend telling of why Jesus died on the cross, why He is alive today and the way of salvation. I spent an hour on that email which was filled with scripture (could it be it was not just for my friend...but a reminder of what Jesus did for me? For Rande? For the other woman?).

Then because we only have one car and Zach went early to church to help with the Deacon's breakfast and get ready for the cantata, a friend was going to pick me up for the regular service. I got ready and waited. And waited. I called my friend, but there was no answer. (At this point I am still not sure exactly what happened.) I sat down on the couch, a bit discouraged to not be going to church, feeling dependant, sad and alone.

I felt bad too, because honestly, the night before I didn't have a great attitude about going to church (for many reasons; none having to do with the great preaching and being with my church family). Isn't it funny though, how that works? The minute you take something for granted and it's gone or you can't be a part of appreciate it so much more. Interesting.

So I asked the Lord what He wanted me to do since I obviously wasn't going to church. I sat for a long while. In my nice dress and strappy spring heels, hair and make-up done...I just sat. Quiet. Just my Jesus and me.

It was so nice to just sit before Him. I thanked Him for the change in my morning plans; for the opportunity to just "be" with Him on this Easter morning. To rejoice not in my circumstances, but in the fact that Jesus is alive--in my heart and life. He is alive.

And then I prayed for Rande, for her... ::sigh:: Such a hard thing to do, I'll tell ya'.

Life is hard right now, no doubt about it. The divorce proceedings continue and my husband still wants nothing to do with me, his family...anything pertaining to his old life. He just wants to be done and free to live his new life. I have many decisions to make regarding selling our home, where to live, a job and helping Zach figure out his future.

And that is just the practical side of things. I won't even go into the emotional turmoil we all face daily. As you can imagine, when you've lived and trusted someone for 23 years, believing your life was a certain way, only to find out it's not and relationships are severed--severely and harshly--the damage in far and wide. Like a friend's as if Rande threw a grenade at his family and left me to pick up the pieces.

It's very, very hard. And I am just trying to find my way--step by step--in this new and very unexpected season I find myself. I'll be's scary.

But this I know: Jesus in not asking me to find my way on my own. He is not asking me step somewhere where He has never been. He goes before me and reaches His hand back for me to take hold. He promises to never leave me or forsake me. He is safe. He is my trust and my hope.

So on this Easter morning, I am taking hold of my Jesus' hand and I am not letting go. Ever.

Blessings to you...

Zach and I are going to Ashleigh's this afternoon to enjoy a yummy Easter dinner she has prepared--and then, Lord willing, we'll be in church tonight. : )

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