Friday, February 26, 2010

The line

The line is drawn.

His family.

My family.

No longer our family.

The problem is his family was my family. Since I was 16 years old.

It was his family I was drawn to from the beginning. The hugging, the laughter, even the tears--all were intimidating at first to this only child. But I was drawn in--taken by them.

Years later, before I was a Christian and not in a good place--I had a decision to make. To stay or to go. And when I thought of his family--those people that I loved dearly--I could not go. I needed them as much as I needed him. I stayed. And I am glad.

But now the line is there. And I hate it--can't escape it. My heart aches for the feet that must choose which side to stand. Any choice causes pain.

And it's these things, like so many others, that I wonder....

Was it worth it?

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Goodbye gray!

Or as some would say... Goodbye grey!

Some of you might remember this post about coloring my hair myself. I received all kinds of great advice and was ready to do it.

Then my mom developed pneumonia while in the hospital recovering from a broken hip...and off I went to Alabama for a month.

As a Christmas present, my sweet mama gave me a trip to a posh-y salon where armed with my previous colorist's formula, I bought another month of coverage. (And my first-ever facial!)

Well...that was almost 8 weeks ago and let's just say it's, uh, beyond time to cover up the gray. Even Ash admitted she could see the silvery strands when I was in Colorado two weeks ago.

So the other day I went to Target, bought a box of color (on sale even--for $5!!) and today was the day to just do it.

And I did it. I am SO happy with results! I read the directions a few times, got all my supplies together and said a prayer (because I do believe the Lord cares about even the tiniest details of our lives).

It was so much easier than I thought it would be and I really like the results. A lot.

So I saved $$ and the gray is gone...at least for another month. Yeah me! : )

Happy Thursday and hugs to you!!

Monday, February 22, 2010

Joy


My Valentine's trip to Colorado. Top to bottom: (1) Troy (2) Merritt (3) me and my girl (4) my ever-so-loved-son-in-law, John (5) Todd's son, Nick and a friend (6) Future photographer (7) Hanging out at the Proving Ground Coffee House--Leadville, CO (8) Merritt drinking his hot cocoa (9) Todd (10) Ash drinking her mocha. Not pictured, but missed terribly...Zach who is attending Bible college in CA.




Thank you for your prayers and love!

Hugs to you all...

Love,
Me : )

Thursday, February 18, 2010

In the midst

Thank you to each of you who offered up prayer on my behalf and/or left a comment (or a text) on my reality. Your prayers...your words... have more meaning to me than I can adequately express.

I felt the Lord's embrace as I read each word. I simply could not contain my tears. The compassion, the encouragement, the love...from many whom I have never met. The Lord used you to remind me of what is true...of what is real. I am not alone in my struggles and pain. We are not alone.

I'm still struggling, but Jesus is here. He is real. He is present.

This is my reality.



Love and hugs to you all...every single one of you! : )

Wednesday, February 17, 2010


But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.
2 Corinthians 4:7-10



Thank you for your prayers. It's a new day...and I am thankful to have Jesus by my side.


Love to you all...

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Reality

I was talking (actually texting) with a dear friend today. I have a faithful group of friends I can text at any moment for prayer and she is one of those friends. And today I needed prayer. Big Time.

Anyway...she mentioned that my posts seem so upbeat and positive, that she wondered if I was *really* doing that good.

Well, I am here to tell you: I am not always doing that good. Today was an example of not doing that good. It was a Very Hard Day.

I googled his name and found some things that where like a knife to my heart. More deception. More lies. More suffering.

And it sent me to the edge. It was day of crying...almost non-stop.

It was a day of trying with everything in me to 'do the next thing', only to find myself lying on the floor, crying as my Brodie-dog licked my face and softly whimpered with me.

It was a day of looking through (and eventually deleting) pictures on my computer, because what's the point of keeping pictures of a life that was fake...that was not real? I have no idea who that person is...or who he was. He is a stranger to me. And obviously I didn't really know him anyway.

It was a day of pleading with God to protect me (and my children) from someone I once trusted completely and who now seeks to do whatever he can to be hurtful, cruel and less than fair.

Isn't it enough that he had an affair and left? Isn't it enough that he has and continues to hurt so many people? Isn't it enough that he continues to deceive? To be cold and manipulative? That the legal system seems to almost reward bad behavior...or at least to look the other way?

Today was one of those days when I felt like I literally could not take it anymore.

Today was one of those days I cried out to the Lord and asked Him.......Where are You?

So this is my reality. I don't want you to think I'm always doing good. Because I'm not.

And I am not always strong. And I question the Lord. And I ask Him...Why?

I am realizing this is such a process...and it's not going to get better overnight.

Reality. It's hard. It's painful. And it's honest.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Home

Tonight I find myself missing Colorado and my little family that lives there. It was a wonderful trip, but went by much too fast.

So I am back in Omaha--a bit tired and nursing a cold, but happy. : )

Hugs to you all!



Friday, February 12, 2010

From one cold place to another...

I am so excited! Today I get to see my precious little grandsons and their mama and daddy!

I am on my way to Colorado, literally as I type. I am looking at snow AND mountains. (Omaha has snow, but no mountains.) Seeing all this beauty makes me want to ski. Maybe next time. ; )

So in about an hour I'll be hugging my sweet girl and her little family. I can't wait!

And thank you so very much for your prayers the other day. I haven't heard anything yet. I'll keep you posted. Y'all are the best!

Love and hugs!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010



You ladies have been so faithful to pray for me this past year and I appreciate it so very much. Could I trouble y'all with another prayer request?

Today there are some 'things' taking place involving attorneys and the outcome very much affects my life. My prayer is that the outcome would be fair and that my attorney would convey the reality of my situation in a way that is honest.

I am getting quite the education in dealing with the legal system. Unfortunately, I was very naive. And what a sad thing to be 'at war' if you will, with the man I shared more than half my life with, bore his children and who knows the limitations of my current situation better than anyone. It's just one of the*many* things I will never understand and that grieves my heart.

So once again, I put my trust in the One who knows my every need...the One who has faithfully walked this path with me every step of the way. My Jesus.

Thank you for your prayers.

Hugs and love to you all... : )

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Acceptance



From the time I was a little girl...


I craved it...


wanted it...


needed it...


searched for it...


and now I have it.



...having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His will, to the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in the Beloved. In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace (Ephesians 1:5-7)




**Photo credit: Allposters.com

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Randomness from my random little life



The view from the balcony, overlooking the clubhouse.


From my little balcony


People keep apologizing to me, being that I am from California and apparently this is not a normal winter for Omaha. They feel bad that my induction to winter here has been a tad harsh, although I don't see it that way. I suppose if I had to take children out in it and run errands everyday, I would. But it's just me and Brodie and so far we are good with it.

It also helps that in my apartment complex they are very good about quickly clearing the stairs, walkways and parking lots. I guess too, if I had to do my own snow blowing or shoveling, I wouldn't be quite so good with it. : )

So anyway...no news on the job search. Thanks to helpful comments from peeps on Facebook I tweeked my resume (what there was of it) to reflect my accomplishments as a domestic engineer and homeschool teacher. Hopefully this will help. I am trying to not get discouraged. I know there is a job out there for me. I just have to find it.

I am also realizing I will definitely need to go back to school. I was hoping to enroll for the spring semester at a nearby community college, but I really need to get a job first, then work my school schedule around that. I never thought I'd say this (and if my dad were still alive, he'd smile): but I am actually looking forward to going back to school.

Oh! I am officially making friends! I mean, Todd and his boys are my friends, but you know...I need my VERY OWN FRIENDS. : ) I had my neighbor over for dinner last Monday night. She is a sweet girl...27 years old and we stayed up talking till 1am. Brodie loves her, but more importantly she loves Brodie. : )

And then, a lady from our Adult Bible Class (aka Sunday School) called and invited us over for lunch tomorrow after church. We already have plans after church though...a soccer game and a Super Bowl get together. One of Todd's friends from work and his wife invited us over and I was soooo excited when Todd told me of the invite. I feel like I am actually getting a life!

Speaking of getting a life...did any of you catch Barbara Walter's interview with Jenny Sanford on 20/20 last night? I didn't really know her story, but saw a preview of the interview yesterday and knew I had to watch it. Oh my! It was very hard to not cry as I listened to her tell her story. I could so relate to how she said she felt upon finding out her husband was having an affair. Shock, not being able to breathe, numbness. All of it.

I also realized after watching her interview, how helpful it is to hear other women who have walked this path, tell their story. I don't personally know many woman who have dealt with this and I don't have a single friend--close or otherwise--who's husband actually left them, never to return. So it's comforting to see another woman who has a very similar story, making it and surviving.

I have purposely been very vague here on my blog concerning some of the details of what actually happened in my marriage. My desire has been to remain respectful of the fact there are always two sides of a story and I still want to honor that. But I also realize I can share some things in a way that may be helpful to other women and not compromise my desire to remain respectful. As we have seen in the news lately, the pain of infidelity is very real....no matter if your husband (or wife, for that matter) is a politician, golf star or an ordinary firefighter and deacon in a little desert church. Betrayal is betrayal.

So yeah. I have a whole 'nother blog post mulling around in my head on that one! : )

But on to a happier subject...is it not just the coolest thing that Ashleigh is in Nashville, attending Blissdom?!!! I am so happy for her! I get text updates from her each day and I can say she is having a blast! But it's her story to tell, so I won't say anymore.

The Lord is doing some very exciting things in the lives of both my kids. They have had such a hard year too and I have been praying like crazy the Lord would bring some hope and joy into their lives...and He is indeed answering prayer. And I am so very thankful. One of the most difficult aspects of this whole situation is watching my children suffer and be in pain....and to not be able to take it away. But God...He is able to do more than I am able to ask or think.

Ok...well, I think that's about enough randomness for one afternoon. I need to take a shower (yes, I am still in my jammies...but hey, it's snowing outside!) and get ready to attend Todd's son's indoor (thankfully!) soccer game tonight. I am so excited! I played soccer in high school and it's been years since I've been to a soccer game. I'll be hootin' and hollerin' for sure! Poor Tyler!! : )

Oh...and one more thing...here are a few pics of my little apartment. When I say little, I mean teensie tiny. 520 square feet tiny! Sorry the pictures are blurry and the lighting is super bad, but hey...I am just thankful to be able to borrow a camera!
My little fireplace. : ) Not finished with the mantle, but I do so love having a fireplace!



And my favorite place to curl up...on my tiny, but very comfy couch. : )



Have a super great weekend!! Hugs and blessings to you all!!